Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you