Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.