Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.