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I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon. 
it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.
Hugh Hefner dead at 91, Financial news, Kleenex is announcing profit lost for next year.
One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.
RIP Hugh Hefner. A remarkable life. Fans of his work are now doing something they’re quite accustomed to - grabbing a tissue.
When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.
I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.
Thoughts on lunch time at the office: I like opening the microwave with one second left on the timer. It makes me feel like James Bond disarming a nuclear bomb.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Ever notice that adding "after hours" or "after dark" to anything makes it sexy? Walmart after hours Walmart after dark Almost anything...
new drinking game...every time a member of congress coughs, take a drink
Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.
Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on
[trick-or-treating] Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it! Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute. 