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Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick.. 
Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?
Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant
my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...
I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.
Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore.
If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊
People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...
Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...
My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?
I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.
Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."
I love snow – People who never shovel
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.
A lot of people do not realize thats the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way. 