Funny Status Messages

   The dust has settled, the votes have been counted, the U.S. has decided on their President. As a country you guys should try to unite and move forward, find common ground, and settle your differences. Democrats, stroke their elephant. Republicans, kiss th

   I had this stupid female waitress taking out order. My friend asked for a Caesar salad, she then asks: "What dressing?" My brain almost imploded.

   We all live in a yellow submarine

   Moonlight not my Oscar winner. #thanksrussia #LaLaland2018

   Happy "Go Make Me A Sandwich" day!

   Always memorize your grocery list in case the CIA hacked your iPhone notes.

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there's a cavity."

   When it comes time to vote and your only choice is between a liar and an orangutan

   Sarah Palin claims Russia didn't hack the DNC because she can see them from her house.

   I think I'll feel much better once I beat someone to death.

   I wonder, when the citizens of Russia are filling out their Census form, do they put under Occupation “Chechnya”?

   @ a funeral . ME: What's the WiFi password PRIEST: Respect the dead ME: Is that all small letters?

   If I was a spy, my perfect code name would be "Individual 1".

   Today, I lied, lied about lying, changed my mind, lied about changing my mind, changed my mind about lying, blamed someone for something I did, lied about blaming someone, took a breath, and lied.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you read online is anyone could have brought them. Thomas Edison,

   My private part is like an electric eel. It's not super charged or anything. It's that women are afraid to go near it.

   If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

   Tryna see how I’m finna split 8$ between 17 people for Christmas 🥴..

   *swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

   No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate slong wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.