Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The Hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to Fart Quietly Again

   We all have at least one of those creepy friends who are sure to comment on a Facebook post/status when they see a female comment first

   Yeah ok a bug hit your windshield but did you ever think how this story is told among his family?

   A relationship is doomed from the beginning, when all you bring to the table is your private parts.

   Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

   Alcohol and denial are cheaper than therapy. . .

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?

   You had me at let's get something to eat..

   Decided my 2016 starts on February 6th....up to now was the trial offer.

   My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.

   Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character.

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.

   Did you know chicken pot pie is my favorite 3 things?

   I am sorry that I have not matured past the point of making everything into sexual innuendo. ...It's just really hard.

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again.

   Friendship is so weird, you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.

   Never trust people who talk to their pets in normal voices.

   The amount of memes that relate to my life is becoming increasingly embarrassing.

   Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my cat's paw and she pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.