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I dont think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds, because every time I take them she goes away 
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.
That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.
Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.
I took out $15,000 of student loans and since I graduate last May I repaid $2,000 and now I am so glad to share that I only have $15,633 left to pay
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
So who's ready for the holiday for singles the day after Saint Valentine's Day! You know 50% off cake and candy day.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
"Your The Only One For Me" Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5 just seems wrong, totally wrong.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Alcohol and denial are cheaper than therapy. . .
My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.
Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?
You had me at let's get something to eat..
Decided my 2016 starts on February 6th....up to now was the trial offer.
My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.
Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character. 