Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If I ever get a dog, I think I'll name him Peeve. Then I can introduce him as my pet peeve.

   Sorry I've been slacking. I was looking at ways to track my Stimulus check yourself and came across Stimulate yourself. Damn I need a cigarette now !

   We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.

   Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

   Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

   Excuse me, but does this sumo wrestler costume make me look fat?

   Someone probably choked to death on food in the Death Star cafeteria and everyone thought it was Vader doing it.

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   Based on the amount of money in my retirement account I have no objection to them raising the retirement age to 247.

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot

   Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as "really nice" people. Who else is a "really nice" neighbor? Canada. I'm just sayin'