Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   the only time "looks aren't everything" is when your credit score is higher than 720

   We're both fiction, you're too good to be true, and I don't exist to you.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   Hell no I don't use a Loofah in the shower....I use a Man-Sponge!!...There's a difference lol

   Be a good listener, your ears will never get you in trouble

   Dr. Jack Kevorkian can finally get those pesky patient opinion surveys filled out!

   Brett Favre & Congressman Weiner gave new meaning to the term "Junk Mail".

   I bet it takes a female kangaroo forever to find anything in her pouch.

   I would jump in front of train for you ♥ as long as its not moving :D

   : Imagine the great things in a person's character you would miss out on if you limited yourself to a list of things you are looking for in a person.

   Heart breaks are like a broken mirror, you can still put the pieces together, but the cracks will still remain. 

   Father's Day always worries me. I'm afraid I'll get a gift I can't afford.

   . You know you're a dad when you get a certified letter in the mail asking you to be a guest on the Maury Povich Show.

   your greatest "Hello" and your hardest "Goodbye"

   172 days, 1 hour and 25 minutes until christmas! But hey, whos counting

   utilizing a fake phone call to avoid being solicited at the pump.

   Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you

   I'm on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   A lot of people on the packages of Halloween costumes went on to great things such as german porn and medical catalogs.