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It may be surprising to know that hippos are the cause of more deaths in the wild than any other animal, but you can't say you weren't warned just how hungry they were. 
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest of us just don't think it's a problem.
You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.
Go ahead, try and hang them with care and see if that holds. I'm hanging my stockings with tacks this year.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet.
I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...Then we can be NEW friends!!
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back
now officaly talking to Himself but somehow I hear a busy signal in my ears. I wonder if I can get Call Waiting????? Wait.... maybe it's better I don't answer myself...
I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?
I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.
The Falcons won the popular Vote!
Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.
Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?
I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.
When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."
Plan to change the air in your tires soon. Replace that winter air in your tires for best inflation during summer months. Most mechanics will do this for you for free on April 1st.
If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.
I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.
Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ? 