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Too bad there isn't an option to hear the next five seconds after someone hits end on a call. Make no mistake that is when the truth comes out. 
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.
I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?
I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.
The Falcons won the popular Vote!
Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.
Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?
The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"
All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??
My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...
Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.
Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.
I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness
Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.
Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.
did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon
Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age.
Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.
If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
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