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A man trying to get sex is like a cat trying to get food. They’re never more affectionate or persistent and once you give in, they don't need you anymore. 
Theres nothing worse than when someone starts ignoring you before you've had the chance to disappoint them sexually.
Wake me up when everything isn't pumpkin flavored.
OK, here's how it's going to be....Love me or leave me...understand? Hold on.....wait.....hey....where's everybody going??
"Love me. Love me more. More. More. More! Damn you over did it, bye!" - Women
Dear God, when I said I wanted a salary with six zeros in it,,, I didn't mean only zeros.
So let me get this straight...The Hulk smashes cars and breaks things and people call him "incredible". I do it and people call me an "alcoholic" because I'm not green.
Life would be better if squirrels liked sitting on our shoulders. You can’t be sad with a cool squirrel friend on your shoulder.
If you say the word "gullible" over and over really fast,, it sounds like your actually saying 'oranges'
She wore a raspberry beret, but NOT the kind you find in a secondhand store,, (cuz those will give you head lice.)
I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but cake is always nice.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.
At lunch, and just ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.
The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Don't shoot the messenger. Unless his message is that he's going to stab you next week.
Never fall for those get rich quick schemes. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
just read the thermometer and it read "stay in the house" ..
I like to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk and announce the next day that my account was hacked.
Not sure what's harder to believe the Canucks losing a game they invented, or that Honda thinks Zombies will help sell cars 