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*Playing pirates with my kids “I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more” 
*me traveling back in time* *follows Albert Einstein* *waits for him to trip* *yells "Way to go, Einstein!"* *returns satisfied to present-time*
I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.
At the zoo or on an African safari, they always pick the First Round Giraffe Choice.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once it’s on you, it’s there forever.
So... what's this I hear about Coronas being infected?
I missed my mammogram appointment yesterday. When I called today they said they could squeeze me in.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.
When I'm not at home and my wife is giving me the silent treatment, she'll send me blank tex messages.
My new pet peeve...commercials where people brush their teeth without making a mess. When my kids brush their teeth they look like they have minty fresh rabies.
I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her
If you didn't have a significant other on Valentine's Day but still hoping to meet someone, go mingle around the 50 to 70% off candy section.
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.
Look. I sent you a friend request because you're hot. Not because I wanna buy your CBD oil.
[in crowded elevator] Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Stocked up on the Merlot and chocolate. Bring the 3 week corona quarantine!
If you don't own a TV then how do you know which way to point the furniture?
Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.
You think it’s hard to train dogs? We can’t even get people to sit and stay
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