Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
[in crowded elevator] Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees? 
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Stocked up on the Merlot and chocolate. Bring the 3 week corona quarantine!
If you don't own a TV then how do you know which way to point the furniture?
Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.
You think it’s hard to train dogs? We can’t even get people to sit and stay
I put four beers in each room of the house, now I;m going to get cleaned up and go bar hopping
I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.
I haven’t wanted to drink an ice cold beer this bad in a bar since I was underage.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.
For sale slightly used daily planner.
Let's be real, most people who signed up for Facebook didn't have a social life to begin with so staying at home should be easy.
Well at least before the coronavirus I got in plenty of practice socially distancing myself thanks to facebook.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My female doctor told me I'm really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant. 