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Everyone here is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites 
This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!
Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.
Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.
I called the vet. and told him that my wife willbe dropping by with our old cat. Can you euthanizer her without any pain? Sure he said, but will the cat find it's way back home alone?
It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!
If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.
I'm sure getting kicked in the balls is more painful than pregnancy. How many men do you hear say in 12 months, "I want another one!"
Charity should be anonymous. That is why I donate to strippers going to college, they have NO clue who I am.
You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess
Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks
I am addicted to buying old Beatles' albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help?
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.
Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....
Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change
Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal
interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person
I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars. 