Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   How long do you have to leave the dishes sitting before they finally give in and wash themselves?

   I just blocked someone for having the same name as my ex.. That's normal, right guys?

   If you've never tried to use "the force" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me.

   I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..

   Funny how when a woman is drunk and walks in your door to have violent sex, it's all fun. But when I do the same thing, I'm being arrested?

   looking for a female that will go down on me as much as dish network does!

   I am 100 days sober today!!! well, not in a row but it still counts right?

   I Diet religiously.........I eat what I want, then Pray I don't gain any Weight

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   Anyone that eats 6 tacos instead of running will soon be running whether they like it or not.

   Taking relationship advice from people on Facebook is like asking a blind person for directions. If these people had perfect relationships, they wouldn’t even be on Facebook half the time.

   I have a stalker. She keeps showing up at my house unannounced. She's been doing this ever since we got married.

   i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?

   For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   Fun idea: empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Freaks out snooping house guests.

   The balance of power in our relationship really shifted when he found out how much I enjoy sucking c ock :(

   I'm holding tryouts for my band tonight... So far it's Crackhead Tim on flute & Captain Potato salad whispering into a paper cup,,, so we're kind of just looking for dancers.

   If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie, we are all screwed.

   A real superpower is smiling during your hardest times.