Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

   Yes .... Math is Illegal in Kentucky!! 5 People in Kentucky were arrested last night in the latest Math Lab Bust. .... Either that or they're just crappy at spelling.

   I wish I loved anything as much as Santa loves rich kids.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'

   My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.

   I bet the astronauts were bummed when they found out Tang was just something they drank in space...

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.

   Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you...

   Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...

   I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?

   Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you