Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we're going to have to let you go."

   I haven't been ignoring you. I've been prioritizing you.

   I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.......

   I found my girlfriend dead the other day. She just laid there lifeless so I decided to boink her one last time. Then all of a sudden she jumped up and shouted 'BOO!' I swear some people are just sick in the head!

   When Arnold and Maria were married many wondered if he could convert her into being a Republican. Well we have the answer now, She converted him into a Kennedy.

   Sometimes I keep my car windows down just to allow other drivers the opportunity to see such a handsome man.

   made a poor spending decision and would now like Congress to bail him out for the sake of his shareholders.

   next time you go to a restaurant and ask for a Coke, and they say "is Pepsi OK?", you should reply "is Monopoly money OK?"

   walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t".

   wow i'm so behind on pop culture I just now found out who that little girl on tv is and her name is justin bieber

   absolutely willing to work on weekends ... granted that weekdays are off.

   asks if what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....... then why did my new wife follow me home????

   says, Love your enemies. It will confuse them!..

   I kissed a girl on the playground in the summer of '96. Maybe someday she'll find me and we'll hook up again. Who Knows, Until then I'll keep chasing brunettes with big boobies."

   FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent Condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything."

   Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t.

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

   I bet when Jesse James and Kat Von D have sex it looks like 2 Ed Hardy shirts tumbling in a dryer!

   How many mexicans does it take t-... Oh sh#t, they're done..

   I really thought my ex was joking when she said my obsession with the Monkees would cause us to divorce. Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.