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If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans. 
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I've absorbed so much disinfectant and soap that when I pee I clean the toilet
Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.
3 wks in lockdown widout sugar n aerated drinks.no dairy, bakery items or caffeine! I feel great! No alcohol, fried items 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 Kgs & gained muscle mass!! no idea whose status this was but I decided to copy
Why is it that before I go into the grocery store, I feel like I am about to pull off a heist?
[Me in Heaven] God: You're about to get your wings. Me: Great! Buffalo or BBQ? God: Get out.
Look on the bright side parents, at least now you have an excuse not to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The Log Cabin Syrup logo is offensive to trees
I really don't understand this so called pandemic. We have been social distancing ever since we signed up for Facebook.
The grocery store has 2 new aisles filled with "Halloween Candy" but it sure looks like the same candy they sell all year.
Husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to phone a friend."
I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.
Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
It's been said we will see the Bengals in the Super Bowl when hell freezes over... Well, here we go.
My wife and I do it Doggy Style. I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Girls, Baseball and Tacos. 