Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If he worked my clit as good as he works his Xbox controller, I could care less how much he plays that game

   Sorry, ladies, but if he has a 4" d*ck, he'll never really be that into you.

   Women are like snowflakes. They can't drive.

   For a minute, I thought someone was abducting douchebags and tagging their ears, then letting them back in to the wild... turns out it's just their bluetooth..

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   That great feeling when the girl comes back to you hurt and crying after choosing the "jerk" instead of you.. I'm sorry but I told you so..

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.

   When a waitress says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into her eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her she looks extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month.

   Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?

   Three biggest tragedies in a mans life...Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't..

   Had Mexican for dinner last night and just used a BP restroom. Let's just say we're almost even.

   Dear Maths, All my life you made me find your X !!! Listen buddy...She's not coming back....So please move on!!! Regards, Frustrated Student

   Why did God create man first? So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

   Justin Bieber denies the pregnancy rumours saying there is no way he could be pregnant because he has been on the pill for the past year.

   Now that she's running for President, US voters should remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky... ... and Monica blew it.

   PRO TIP: Not resisting arrest greatly reduces your chances of being sh●t by 100%.

   I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.

   it called NASCAR because that's the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car?"