Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   To be honest, I'm just not that into you, Monday.

   When playing dodgeball, remember the golden rule: Hide behind the fat kid...

   Two things: 1) Where have you been all my life? 2) Can you please go back there?

   Time to donate all of my Leisure Suits to the Salvation Army. I'm starting to think that fashion isn't coming back.

   The only woman in my life who regularly calls to see if I'm ok works at MasterCard.

   Pretty sure the lead actress from 'Precious' has a twin sister who works at every Wendy's I've ever been to...

   Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.

   I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   I watched a documentary last night where this team of scientists studied the inside of a man bun. Turns out they are formed from craft beer and Maroon 5 CDs.

   Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from mom scares me.

   Pro Tip: 63% of time spent being an adult over 40 is just waiting for a pill to kick in.

   Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

   If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

   I'm just looking forward to the day when my kids are no longer teenagers and I'm not an idiot anymore.

   Attended a surprise party at work this afternoon. Fred was really surprised he was retiring.

   Computer glitch at LAX causes passenger to catch flight quickly & unmolested....

   Here's hoping Kanye's next surprise cancellation will be "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

   Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

   Pro Tip: If you leave your house in a bad mood wearing a blue shirt you will be hired at the Apple store without even applying.