Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

   My first laptop was an Etch-A-Sketch.

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies...

   Please, write your comments down on the back of a $20 dollar bill and send them to me.

   Dear Oprah, thanks for clarifying you're not a lesbian. We were all wondering...

   Just found a document that says all of our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776.

   Maybe when the stuff was going down at the Capitol on Wednesday, the Government should have sent in Social Workers instead of the police.

   How come Sanctuary cities have the fastest growing crime rates?

   B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.

   The sex was great, but I faked the cuddle.

   Being offended is a personal decision that you can choose not to make. The ones who are offended by things are attention-seeking drama queens.

   I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...

   They say alcohol kills people. Lets not forget how many people were born because of it.

   At some point you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

   You can keep retaking all the photos you want but that's just what your face really looks like

   Booze is cheaper than therapy, and it doesn't keep asking, “and how did that make you feel?”

   Let's get this out of the way now. Next Wednesday, the date will be 12-12-12. Happy? zzzzzzzzzzzzz

   What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?

   In Mother Russia, we don't shoot for the stars, the stars shoot for us

   If you're single and you know it hug your cat!