Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Valentine's Day: Dinner for two - $80, Dessert - $20, Flowers - $50, Gold Necklace - $250, Bottle of French Champagne - $100, Godiva Strawberry Chocolates - $60… Look on his face after she says - “I'm on a period…” PRICELESS!!!

   I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.

   We started at around 1:45am and stopped around 3:15am. She was impressed. Thanks Daylight Savings Time!

   "Spike Lee tweets wrong address forcing elderly couple out of their home!" Nice going Dum A$$!

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China, I couldn't believe my luck!...Every time they put up a new wanted poster, the guy they were looking for was standing right next to me!

   Attention Ladies : No Shave November is meant for men not women.

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today!

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a facebook account & a bottle of booze ...

   The three things I like most about Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Perry; Number 1. He has great hair, number 2. he has great teeth, and number 3. he has.... uhhh, he has..... ummmm, he has.... ohhh crap, I forget! Is it the EPA?

   Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral.

   I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.

   I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.

   The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of Google's search results

   If everyone "resolves" to not care about the Kardashians in 2012 do you think they'll go away?

   What if I am retarded, but my parents paid everyone to play along so I could be happy...

   Husband:"My Olympic condoms are here, I think I'll wear the gold one 2night" Wife:"Couldnt you wear the silver one and come 2ND 4 a change"

   I hate when I'm eating cereal and the last 5 pieces are like "Try n' catch me bro!"

   there a Dr. in the house? Preferably a surgeon? I'll need one to remove my foot from my co-worker's ass in about 5 minutes.

   Teacher asks: What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife.Student replies: Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.

   Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight