Matt Funny Status Messages

   Some of you can count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand and after this week some of you will only be able to count the number of times you lit off fireworks on one hand.

   I'm never eating a edible again. I watched an entire movie on mute and started crying because I thought I was deaf.

   If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it. It's spam.

   When men don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine. When women don't shave for a while it's rugged and masculine

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   How the hell did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff some guys pay money for in later life.

   Amazon, quit fluctuating your prices all the time. sincerely- your customer!

   I don't hear any cicadas. I believe everyone is eating them all...

   Calories? I think you mean delicious points!

   If tomatoes are considered fruits, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?

   On the internet, you have a better chance of surviving The Oregon Trail than a trip to WebMD!

   Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   Just held the door for an Asian guy. He said "Sank you" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that!

   Powered off the smart phone felt like I was having a heart attack...

   Attention, guys wearing "skinny Jeans", you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way

   There were a lot of Presidents day sales today, Mitt Romney was confused he thought the presidency was actually for sale today...

   You would think part of Frank Farmer's job would also be protecting her from herself.

   A grown man will buy lingerie for the same reason a kid wants a box of cereal were all after the prize inside