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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points. 
I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.
wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]
Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.
I'd rather be known for nothing than known for something ignorant.
I'm bored. Let's see, I'll take a pic of me with my dog, then tag it with 97 facebook friends, then watch 'em go cuckoo.
There will be a huge demand on all European hair this week! So buy stock and shares in hair!
It's easier to fall asleep in class than in my bed at home.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
Dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there
Love with no expectations in return and you will know how to love yourself more than anyone could in this screwed up world.
For a change I'd like to meet someone who could be my potential soulmate and who is not halfway across the world.
There's hungry and there's hungry enough to eat microwaved french fries hungry...
so a pony doesn't grow into a horse?
I would probably buy the iPhone5 if it kept me from drunk dialing my exes.
I guess having voices in your head isn't so bad if it's James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman.
wore lowrise jeans in her 20s to show off her figure. Now I wear them with a large hoodie so that I have more gut room when I go to Chilis.
tipped her wine glass and her swine flu everywhere
knows where Carmen San Diego is but is sworn to secrecy
tying your shoes together 