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I'm kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I'm just a guy in a bathrobe. 
finishing the toilet paper roll and not replacing it should be considered as domestic terrorism.
If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.
Anyone who says you added too much cheese is an undercover cop.
Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal
interviewer: describe yourself in three words. frankenstein’s monster: a people person
I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage. 