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Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!! 
After the 7th day of January. Please keep your "Happy New Year" messages to yourself. We probably, have already cried, been depressed, been angry at someone, eaten leftover food more than once and paid an unexpected bill. It's no longer new or happy.
So...Laveon Bell turned down $70M from the Steelers, sat out a year w/o pay and signed with the Jets for $50M. No wonder those guys always go broke...
If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth
If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Taco Bell food.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition
The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did
Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from KFC for making this post possible!
I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks
Why is it that losing with dignity and grace is no longer the right thing to do?
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on
Alexa laughing and refusing to obey instructions? Better start working on your reasons to live for our new robot overlords
If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.
That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it. 