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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that. 
I wish people in this world would put as much effort into earning respect as they do demanding it.
I hope the President hands out Impeachment Acquittal Pens at the State of Union.
The far right and the far left are both extremes and should be condemned equally.
I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes
What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice. Now it just says "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
some of these jokes are funny some are corny, but it is sure better than hate that some of you idiots post
I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.
The WHO doesn't deserve funding since they haven't put out an album since the 1970's.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill, with a thank you note.
Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?
I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.
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