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If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere 
Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.
Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..
Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.
Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.
Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.
My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.
Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.
You laugh at my fanny pack until you need some damn ibuprofen
Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...
Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.
I need to start eating healthy but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so its not there to tempt me
Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.
As a parent you always worry that you want to raise your children to be productive members of society......and then you go to Walmart.
The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.
IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad died. He was 91. Funeral will be held as soon as we figure out how to put his coffin together.
Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button
NBA All Star Game: Fergie sang that National Anthem so bad, Collin Kaepernick stood up and told her not to disrespect the Anthem like that. 