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RIP Mainstream Media. 
If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.
Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊
People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...
Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...
My Chinese pal is very upset about Peter Tork, and has been muttering "I'm a bereaver" all day?
I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.
Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?
Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant
my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...
I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.
Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you. 