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I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins. 
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005
..... The only thing deflated at this year's Superb owl was the Falcons.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs
No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.
Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"
They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.
Sushi's just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.
Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.
Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..
When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.
*Eats a Lean Cuisine *20 minutes go by. *Devours entire Pizza Hut store...including employees.
Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.
When I first started growing a beard I didn't really like it but after some time it started to grow on me.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras 