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I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars. 
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.
When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."
If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.
There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."
A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."
They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food. 