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Note to Self: Hang up phone BEFORE talking sh!t. 
Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?
I dont know who is more embarrassed....me stopping at a yard sale that isnt a yard sale or the person whose place looks like theres a garage sale.
You know that movie where the guy needs to keep his adrenaline level up or he dies? My weekend was just like that, except the opposite.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm taking a dump.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Video game truths: anyone with a lower score than me is a loser and anyone with a higher score is a loser with no life!
Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.
The TSA, groping and handling more packages than USPS since 2001!
Being a housewife is hard work! Some nights I only get 10 hours of sleep.
A husband asks: Why do you weep and snuffle over a TV program and the imaginary sadness of people you have never met? Wife: For the same reason you scream and yell when a man you don't know makes a touchdown.
Friendly Reminder to all: Is "Poke" a Blonde Week! poke ur favorite blonde, or all!
going to set up a dating website for pyromanics and call it mymatchbook
madder than a midget with a yoyo!
gastric bypass...gives new meaning to your eyes are bigger than your stomach.
Do you go down on the first date?.....oh wait this isn't Zoosk.
believes that all you need in a tool box is Duct Tape and WD40. If it moves and shouldn't, use Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD40
You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you'd like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.
looʇs ɹɐq ʎɯ uo ʞɔɐq ǝɯ ʇnd ǝsɐǝld
went to the book store the other day to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
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