Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   While you're ignoring that someone special, someone else is grabbing their attention.

   Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

   Setting up a Facebook account for your unborn child should be considered child abuse.

   I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.

   69 is the kamikaze of oral sex .. If I'm going down you're coming with me.

   This is from a greedy single, " Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married. "

   "I eat what I want and never get fat" - people I hate

   It was only a good night if you still have your wallet, phone and watch the next morning.

   Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

   Based on intelligence, people are classified into: 1- Genius 2- Smart 3- Average 4- stupid 5- Married.

   How to get rid of an erection. 1. Kirsten Dunst nudes. 2. Kirsten Dunst. 3. Actress who played Mary Jane Watson...

   My wife gets really annoyed when I make sexual requests. The other night, I asked her if we could try the 'praying mantis' position and she tore my head off

   If you caught a terrorist the same week of his crime instead of using it as a pretext to invade two countries, You Just Pulled An Obama

   When in the middle of an argument shut her up by kissing her. Unless it’s a teller at your bank, then she just calls for security.

   I’m using Internet explorer. I need some help from you guys good with computers. How does one send a smoke signal using this thing?

   Joyce, the office slut, just sneezed and now we all have to take a mandatory HIV test on Monday :(

   Forget waterboarding... I'm ready to tell this damn popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth everything it wants to know

   CRAP!!! I just dropped my Android, are you guys alright?

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   I hate texting people first. I feel awkward, annoying and unwanted