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From time to time, I like to remind my daughter's boyfriend of the very real danger of falling I'll from a sudden, gunshot related illness. 
ur honor, I call GOD as my witness... *jury gasps*... *nothing happens*...*slowly, a man with a beard rises from the stands*... Dammit No Gary,,, sit down
In light of the latest Abercrombie and Fitch scandal, I bought three A&F shirts today, its okay though, I was one of the popular kids in school.
You know your marriage is on the rocks when your wife goes to bed wearing a rape whistle.
Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name. Coincidence? I think not.
wishes there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood!
My life coach just asked me to leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English"!
Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.
Can't even think about a cop yelling "SPREAD 'EM!" without a confetti cannon going off in my panties.
JAB, LMAO, Justine* Bieber wants to be taken seriously, Seriously ha ha ha. . .
I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.
I'm always nice to the new guy at work, because you can make bank on the show "Undercover Boss"
I have feigned outrage over feigned outrage.
For my wedding anniversary I wanted to make my wife feel special. So I gave her a helmet, some goggles, an egg beater, and a pack of fruit flavoured crayons.
Some days feel like abandon your life and join the French Foreign Legion kind of days.
Physician: One who can form complete sentences.
To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
Physician -One upon whom we set our hopes when I'll and our dogs when well.
has pants that say Snickers on them because they are packed with nuts and they always satisfy. 