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Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting. 
I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.
I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.
WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)
You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.
The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."
One of these is not in my bed right now: 3/4 Empty 1 Liter Crown Royal Bottle... Online FB Friends... Lap Top... Cold Pizza... Vaseline Jar... Naked "Bridget the Midget" Blow Up Doll... Me... Self Respect
Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?
Kill your vibe? How can I kill something that never existed in the first place?
I've heard the song 'This Is How We Do It' like a million times, but it's still very unclear to me.
If I ever have to have a steel plate in my head,. I'm gonna start me an awsome magnet collection.
There are two rules for success.. 1. Never reveal everything you know
thousands of guys want to go for a 1 way trip to Mars... I'm dreaming for a 1 way trip to Venus !
And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math..."
I hate it when an ugly girl catches me staring at her cleavage.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
In this hyper PC country we live in, shouldn't murderers be called "Post-life experience Faciliters"
No one has it worse than the duck that's allergic to gluten.
"It was always the pigs who put forward the resolutions. The other animals understood how to vote, but could never think of any resolutions of their own."
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