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If you love something, let it go.... Except a dog. Or, a balloon. Or, a baby stroller. Actually, don't let anything go, that's stupid. 
I'm not sure teenagers understand that by having unproteced sex, you can catch aweful diseases. And not only kids, but STD's too!
PRO TIP: Before you buy the house, have here sit up on the kitchen counter to make sure the height is right.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
I'm just over here slow clapping at your failures.
Sorry for twerking in your front yard while your car got repossessed.
my views on lesbian relationships? Preferably in HD.
Her wedding day means no more sucking, shaving or starving!
She said: You're certainly not the man I married. He said: Yeah. He had a much younger wife.
She said: "I miss the old you." I know that she meant the young me
I love the surprised look on a woman's face when I tell her that she drew her eyebrows too high.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.
Remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I never thought the thug life would involve so many bills.
On Canada Day you are allowed to kiss a beaver; and Parks Canada can't do nothing about it ... it's in the constitution.
I'm really starting to get along with this guy my wife turned me into.
I wonder what America's bald-headed eagle could do to Canada's beaver?
Exactly how is that Tennessee Hardware shop owner going to make that "NO G AYS ALLOWED!" sign work anyway? I mean how can he tell? Is there like a litmus test or some kind of g ay Deliverance hillbilly honor system we all don't know about?
Didn't wanna say how hot it was in my room last night but 2 hobbits came round and threw a ring in it
I just met a girl, she is very pretty, super nice and her bike seat smells like strawberries
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