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*Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"
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01-02-2019 20:17 by
Snotty
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Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.
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09-05-2017 20:03 by
snotty
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[shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening
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09-04-2017 16:46 by
snotty
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Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many
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09-01-2017 19:16 by
snotty
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the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996
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08-06-2017 20:11 by
snotty
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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
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08-01-2017 07:33 by
snotty
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yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
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07-30-2017 20:28 by
snotty
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My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.
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07-25-2017 21:14 by
snotty
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I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
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06-27-2017 19:36 by
snotty
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I saw a guy hit 2 good balls today playing golf. He stepped on a rake.
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06-17-2017 15:22 by
snotty
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Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.
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06-16-2017 08:38 by
snotty
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I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out
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06-08-2017 20:31 by
snotty
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ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming
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06-06-2017 06:48 by
snotty
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Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh
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06-04-2017 16:59 by
snotty
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Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"
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06-04-2017 16:56 by
snotty
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I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock
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06-04-2017 16:55 by
snotty
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The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .
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05-31-2017 19:48 by
snotty
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23 million?.. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end,,, you can just bury them easier.
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05-25-2017 23:56 by
snotty
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
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05-25-2017 23:33 by
snotty
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Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
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05-18-2017 15:18 by
snotty
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