Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes finding my car keys is harder than finding a proper sport or a slim person in America

   since football season is officially here, I will celebrate by tackling the sh*t out of stupid people that piss me off!

   Puberty is gonna hit Justin Bieber harder, than Chris Brown hit Rhianna!!

   My cellphone is mixing people up (surprise this would only happen to me) So if you get a picture of my left tit..apoligies in advance!!

   likes "Mad Libs" because it is (adjective).

   I want to make sweet love to your face with my fist. Don't worry, I'll use protection. Wouldn't want my hand to get hurt.

   I don't know what my credit score is but I'm pretty sure I'm losing.

   Strippers are like trees. Instead of absorbing Carbon Dioxide and emitting Oxygen, they absorb Desperation and emit Hope.

   it says on my sidebar on facebook.. "Many of people who like Lindsey Lohan also liked Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" Oh no, that can't be good.

   What are the chances that Hurricane Earl will make a little detour and head up north to wipe out the cast of Jersey Shore?

   if Facebook didn't exist, I wouldn't know how many imaginary friends I have.

   I've just been dumped by my girlfriend. She found me creepy because I have a nickname for my penis. Guess now that I'm single again, I'll have to take Matters into my own hands.

   Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

   What do you call a big group of lesbians? The Munch Bunch.

   the world needs a hero - I'll go change my clothes

   Getting snubbed by the left turn arrow at an intersection after waiting your turn is annoying. Getting skipped twice? I will murder you, light! But a third time?! Clearly a valid legal defense for blowing right through that mother f*cker.

   Before going out last night, one of my friends asked if there was anything going on at the bar we were going to. Well, I'm pretty sure they're going to be serving drinks. What else matters?

   OMG!! I Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

   I'd stand a much greater chance at checking out those spam porn emails if they didn't read something like, "young cuties horses XXX mother/son gangbang bondage erotica!" Uh, all at the same time, or...?

   It's a good thing I'm not a cellar-master for a winery, because I'd be terrible at my job. "This wine is going to taste so good in like 6 years...or, we could pop this b*tch open right now..."