Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   All the abortions the democrats have.. They must be aborting the good looking ones.

   To everyone in the northern hemisphere, I apologize for the odious stenches emanating from my rear end this evening.

   While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.

   Surely hope insurance companies start classifying "delusional people who think the President is doing a good job" as a pre-existing condition.

   Steve Bannon removed from National Security Council due to a scheduling conflict involving drinking.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   The Chinese President accidentally called Steve Bannon "Mr. President" because all these white guys look the same.

   All these great deals we were promised must be happening on days that I am not watching the news.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here screwing sheep.”

   The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   I sure am glad Hillary didn't get elected because we'd still have Obamacare and be at war with Syria.

   There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey