Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Come to my naughty corner, I will teach you wrong from right...

   I'm the kind of guy who brings Band Aids to a knife fight.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a butthead."

   Either that milk was bad,,,,, Or they don't actually make onion Chobani flavored Captain Crunch

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

   Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille

   It would be really funny if the GPS changed voices depending on what part of town you are in. YOOO Man, Yawll enturrin da ghetto! teerrrn leffft and' hit up tha likor store beeotch! Nah Nah Nah Nah Yawll misst da teeern. You are reallly dumm. Fur reel.

   I've just been to the local Tesco Extra. Now, I don't know what's in their meat but I can tell you they've certainly got a right cow on the checkout.

   My Oscar speech would begin like this...First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today...

   Screw you Adobe! I spend more time downloading Adobe updates than i've ever spent using Adobe.

   Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.

   Sorry,, But that last like I gave you, contained traces of horsemeat.

   I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   why do some people all of a sudden need to carry a gun everywhere they go? I’m 40 years old and can’t think of a single time I went to church, dinner or shopping and needed a gun.

   Apocalypse Update - Day 67: I should have bought more Febreeze for the bunker, dammit.

   my wife's pissed because she walked in while I was masterbating in the shower. OK, it was a baby shower, but still...

   Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!

   Some people are meant to be loved from a safe distance.

   I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great