Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

   To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought, "You know, I bet I could make some kind of hot drink out of these things."... I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.

   If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees

   Yo, be careful saying "elephant in the room", I'm from Africa and that just scared the s h I t out of me.

   How can I trust you when you keep trying to run away every time I untie you.

   Every time I see birds walking I'm like "YOU CAN FLY WHY ARE YOU WALKING" and then I run them over.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   Madonna looks pretty good for someone who spent most of her life trying to defeat He-Man.

   Just once I wish my iPhone would interfere with the airplane's navigation equipment and we would land in California instead of Detroit....

   why the s hitty, blurry picture? Take another one! It's not like it took 3 days to get them developed...

   I dropped my laptop off a boat the other day. It's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

   What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming

   Spooning...the precursor to forking.

   unequivocally denies visiting an anti-aging clinic in Miami in order to receive performance-enhancing PEDS to do his daily status updates. Any claims to the contrary are baseless and are coming out of left field.

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.

   says that boot, iron and wheelbarrow were voted as bottom 3 Monopoly piece finalists and in an old fashioned game of rock-paper-scissors, wheelbarrow attempted to cart boot off, but in the end it was iron receiving the boot in a hotly contested match.

   Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire

   Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The 'iOpener'

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Landline !