Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I am not homeless but alot of homeless things happend to me.

   Contrary to what you may think, my moral compass is not broken. It just happens to be pointing toward hell

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   Somebody died last night, but I didn't, somebody didn't wake up this morning, but I did, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

   Never ignore a person who loves you and cares for you. One day you may realise you've lost the moon while busy counting the stars.

   For anyone interested , I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble from 6PM until I am escorted out by securuty

   HAPPY HANGOVER DAY

   I've just invented a wireless, battery-free, hand operated hair-dryer.....I think I'll call it a 'Towel'.

   What happened in 2012 stays in 2012...

   My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.

   My dream is to wake up to 2 girls. One will say "good morning sweetheart" and the other will say "good morning dad"

   well..... so much for my 'not killing time with Facebook' resolution.

   I haven't had a drink all year! Unless you count those after midnight last night...

   A friend of mine wants to set me up with her cute friend, but her friend is picky cos she has a kid, so I told her my name was "Jif" because we all know choosey moms choose Jif...

   going downtown to throw snowballs at random pedestrians in an,attempt to make a couple friends who understand what I'm going through.

   So, I hear there was a big party last night to watch Justin Bieber's balls drop.

   can't they put some damn rails up along the subway tracks in NYC???

   "All I want for Chrithmath is my two front teeth.... " - Mike Tyson

   I've counted 8 people so far whose New Year's resolutions include "loose weight". Can I add spelling to your list too?

   Started off 2013 right by hitting the gym bright and early, mainly because they wouldn't cancel my membership over the phone.