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Guys be quiet I'm calling my mom!..... person in background: "PASS THE WEED!" 
we only have 1 day left to make kony 2012 happen
Relationships are kinda like hamburgers on TV. They look good, but in real life, they're not that great.
Mother: Clean your room, family is coming over. Me: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom.
If your spouse was there for you when you were broke, and they were there for you when you lost your job, and they were there for you when the bank took your house, you should probably get a divorce and look for a new spouse because this one is bad luck.
How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? Mark Sanchez
Apparently reenacting scenes from the deadliest catch is frowned upon at the Red Lobster.
Kim Kardashian is reproducing. It's Kim's egg mixed with Kanyes' seed. Touche' Mayans.
I've ignored you for 4 years and you still haven't taken the hint... this is a serious stalker problem
i hate it when people say two wrongs don't make a right. A right and a wrong don't make a right either.
A pregnant Khadarshian is the last thing the world need right now, let alone pregnant by Kanye West. Reminds me of that reproducing mother Alien in he Aliens movie.
I almost got into a car accident, but luckily no one saw me hit the other car
No pants are the best pants.
Celebrity pregnancy announcements are a fantastic reminder for me to take my birth control pills.
From the creator of ‘'I Like You As A Friend'' and ‘'I Love You Like A Brother'' comes in 3D ‘'I Don't Know How To Tell You You're Ugly''
I love you but I'm too lazy to show it.
Some were born to stalk, some were born to be stalked.
I would walk over Legos for you.
Every New Year we make a resolution to change ourselves… maybe this year try making a resolution to be yourself!
I heard Kanye West announced that he and Kim Kardashian are expecting a child. My sincere condolences to the child.
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