Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   I'm so disappointed that a group of squid isn't called a squad.

   I don't smoke weed to escape reality. I smoke weed to enjoy reality even more.

   ROTFLSHIDMEN = Rolling On The Floor Laughing So Hard I Dropped My Egg Nog.

   twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)

   Friendly Christmas Reminder: If you're telling a joke to a group of family members and friends, and no one laughs, there is NO need to REPEAT the joke a second time!

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll pop open the red and drink that.

   i don't get it...tonight theres millions of breaking & entering cases but nobody calls the police because they get bought off with presents

   Since that very first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life... avoiding you.

   I dont know if yall know but umm ...its Christmas time in Hollis Queens

   JUST saw Santa jumping from roof to roof with half a dozen cops behind him. Perhaps he lost his Reindeer and they're helping him find them?

   Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast, all rubbish. You want to lose weight? Move to England. The food is horrid.

   Last night I slept for eight hours straight. Then two hours gay.

   I bet Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like its $19.99

   I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.

   Hope all the gun haters are watching "A Christmas Story" right now, Ralphie just got his Red Ryder BB Gun!