Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm thankful I'm a dude and don't have to post that BS every day this month...

   Sooner or later you will see the BIG PICTURE God is painting for your life instead of just the colors He's using at the moment so dont get your panties all up in a knot

   I hate when movies say "May contain nudity." Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.

   The moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.

   Texts that piss me off: 1. Yeah 2. Oh 3. Yup 4. Lol 5. Haha 6. K 7. Nope 8. Chillin 9. Naw

   A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.

   Saying “Hey, I just met you, and this is Crazy..” is how I used to introduce my ex to new people.

   My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness.

   I feel confident that Laim Neeson would be there for me if I listed him as my emergency contact.

   Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”

   Keep Calm and....and who am I kidding just Kick Ass!

   fee fee fi fee fi fo fum. Mike Tysons cell phone number.

   when people refer to "the world's oldest profession" do they mean gardening?...Genesis refers to a Garden of Eden in the beginning

   Here's to the kisses that I snatched, and Vice versa. Bottoms up fellas.

   Black chicks stay saying a white chick is "trying to act black." Meanwhile, they have blonde weave and sky blue contacts. Sit down midnight!

   In the apocalyptic movie, 2012, New York was flooded in October.

   Dinner for two at a fancy restaurant $75, A bottle of wine and scented candles $30, Finding out she swallows...Priceless

   I always eat tacos over a tortilla, so when stuff falls out BOOM extra taco.

   There's a first time for everything. Except déjà vu.

   Apparently "To get all this weed delivered" is not an appropriate answer when the cop pulls you over and asks why you were speeding.