Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "I didnt do it..." "Then why are you laughing?" "Cause whoever did it is a f*cking genius!"

   Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas except for the person reading this to have an amazing Christmas.

   I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies.

   3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...

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   HAVE YOU FOUND A REAL JOB YET?!!!!! no,i've been searching for a FAKE job that'll pay me FAKE money,to pay all my FAKE bills off,so when I retire,i can move to a FAKE retiree home in florida.

   I am such a thoughtful Lad! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up.

   The biggest trick life plays on us, is the inability to fully appreciate something until it's gone. Except for broccoli.

   I love the holidays. A time when people are supposed to be more nice and caring, actually become bigger a$$holes than they are the rest of the year.

   You know I might not be the best looking but back in the 80's my COMMUNITY voted me 2nd place and $10 in a beauty contest. However shortly after that by CHANCE I went straight to jail and didn't collect $200

   Some guy is yelling, "Man, I'm fu*kin' such an idiot!" I said, "That's poor grammar, you should say, "Man, I'm such a fu*kin' idiot." He goes, "Naw man, I mean I'm having sex with someone with an IQ of 25 or lower."

   Drinking alone: The combination of my two favorite things.

   I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.

   Ugly people with beautiful babies should be investigated for child kidnapping.

   Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Optimus Prime.

   Merry Christmas to the Bathroom models around the world.

   Dreaming of a White Christmas? You r@cist b@stards.

   out of her mind. Please leave a message and the men in the white coats may let me return your call sometime soon.

   facebook timeline, creating new arguments for the future !

   My boss walks by my desk almost everyday and says, "Wake Up" even though I am clearly awake. So today I replied, "How could anyone sleep with the strong odor of bullsh*t around here anyway, but they always say you can't smell yourself like others can."