MM Funny Status Messages

   “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   You can't sell electric cars if gas is cheap. If you don't think that's part of the plan, you're not paying attention.

   Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't t mean it's good. Trash bags leak too.

   There's a problem with Kinect for X-Box... If I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   Folks crying about $4 a gallon gas while in line for $6 coffee.

   A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands...

   I got to face the facts. My orange loser will never darken the doors of the white house ever again. Not even as a tourist.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job... What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   There was another kidnapping at a local a school today, luckily the kid woke up!

   I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives....

   With all the discounted Valentine's candy that's available, I like to call February 15th "Loner Halloween."

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it...

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it...

   Let her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their stuff...

   People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.

   Seeking one-night stand... Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.