Funny Status Messages

   I need to watch it as I've started having road rage behind the wheel. But sometimes I get road rage walking behind people at the grocery store.

   In relationship with you in a picture

   First post

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   Just accidentally swiped right on my ex's profile while scrolling through Tinder. My thumb must have been possessed by the ghost of relationship past. Had to perform some emergency thumb CPR to swipe left!

   Math back in the day: 2x+4=10. Find X Math today: If Karen buys 16.5 hamsters, but four of them eat each other, and two spontaneously combust, how many carrots will it take for them to shut up and let me sleep?

   I'll give credit where credit is due but I ain't gonna applaud a fish for swimming.

   I'm at that age where I know where babies come from, but still need someone to explain that song "My Milkshakes" to me.

   Some people eat bananas for the shape and it shows

   Instagram. The wonderful world of women with daddy issues and father figure complexes.

   It's funny how the order of Facebook's reaction Emojis are most relationships from the beginning to the end.

   A gay gloryhole is basically “ take a cawk or leave a cawk”

   Life is like peeing up a drain pipe, it all comes back to you.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   Inside every female body builder, is a man wanting to get out.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft.

   Marriage tip: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say yes. Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   I think it's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Walmart" is a hit reality show.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.