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I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?
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09-21-2010 22:05 by
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A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress
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09-22-2010 04:34 by
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Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
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09-22-2010 04:38 by
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Why ask me if I'm up when you text me at 3 in the morning and I answer it?
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09-22-2010 04:40 by
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WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.
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09-22-2010 04:41 by
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I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.
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09-22-2010 04:48 by
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It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
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09-22-2010 16:19 by
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Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."
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09-22-2010 16:21 by
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I know it's my kind of bar when the bathroom door has a sign that says: "No couples. One at a time."
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09-22-2010 16:24 by
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I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."
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09-22-2010 16:26 by
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Facebook has been down for 2 hours. The apocalypse has begun.
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09-23-2010 16:56 by
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I'm so happy Facebook wasn't around when I was in high school.
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09-23-2010 16:57 by
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I'm watching this show on stalkers, still haven't seen any of you yet.
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09-23-2010 16:59 by
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I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I'll say next.
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09-23-2010 17:01 by
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Chances are if you're using a pay phone, sh*t's not going well.
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09-23-2010 18:40 by
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I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.
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09-24-2010 13:36 by
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They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.
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09-24-2010 13:39 by
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Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."
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09-24-2010 13:40 by
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Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?
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09-24-2010 13:41 by
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If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
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09-24-2010 13:46 by
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