Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be looters. Because the mamas who let their babies grow up to be cowboys are gonna have them kick your babies' sorry a$$es.

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽

   It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.

   Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.

   I randomly changed all the contact names in my phone. However, I can't remember who they actually are. So far today, I've been texted by Willy Wonka, Spongebob Squarepants, Charlie Sheen, Nancy Pelosi and Jerry Springer.

   I know that people want to go back to work because they're broke, but there's still a serious virus floating around. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that being broke is better than being dead.

   North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is presumed either dead or in a vegetative state. Most likely Bok Choy.

   You're traveling thru another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of dough, ricotta and mozzarella. Your next stop, the Twilight Calzone.

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   I can't find any masks, gloves, or hand sanitizers. Long story short, I just now paid for the premium version of McAfee antivirus. Let's what happens.

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   I haven't watched this much TV since the "All Day Saturday Cartoon Marathon" when I was 8.

   The Coronavirus has me upset to the point where I've lost weight... 20 lbs total! I have no appetite whatsoever so this thing needs to go away. But not just yet. I want to lose another 30.

   Last night I made the last of the dishes on the Huffington Post list of "25 Foods You Have To Eat Before You Die." So I guess this is goodbye.

   All of us are tools to some degree. It's just that some are jackhammers and some are 1/4" nut drivers.

   This isolation was getting to me, so yesterday I decided to go jogging. Big mistake. My thighs kept rubbing together and my legs caught on fire.

   I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."

   I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.