Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”
←Rate | 01-09-2023 04:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?
←Rate | 06-08-2022 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m old school, I still believe in respect.
←Rate | 06-10-2022 01:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Things are so bad, our leaders have admitted that UFOs exist and no one cares.
←Rate | 06-11-2022 01:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m tired of working on myself. From now on, I’m going to be unapologetically insane.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I’ve thought about it, and I feel confident in my decision.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.
←Rate | 06-28-2022 23:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 18:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.
←Rate | 01-04-2023 02:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”
←Rate | 01-06-2023 01:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?
←Rate | 01-06-2023 19:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.
←Rate | 06-20-2022 03:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
←Rate | 06-23-2022 01:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
←Rate | 07-22-2022 13:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I find myself in times of trouble, Julie Andrews comes to me, singing words of wisdom, do re mi.
←Rate | 07-23-2022 00:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.
←Rate | 04-18-2022 21:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you’re about to spend half a grand shopping online, but then you notice that $15.00 shipping charge…. Not Today!
←Rate | 04-18-2022 21:49 Comments (0)  

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