Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I choose butter over margarine because I trust cows more than I trust chemists.

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

   It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.

   Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.

   Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch.

   In the end, girls really just want one thing from guys, all of our hoodies.

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   at what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?

   "Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.

   If you fall and break both of your legs, don't come running to me.

   Now that we know you girls were talking about a purse, how about now you tell us where do you REALLY like it..

   Hey mylife, I can promise you, 28 people are NOT searching for me! Quit lying!

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Mirrors don't talk, but lucky for you they don't laugh either

   thinks it's time for us to let the Statue of Liberty hold up that torch with her other arm for awhile.

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, there will be a huge baby boom in September 2013.