Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   demands: BRING ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!!! Or some cupcakes. Whichever.

   I dated a swallower. I married a ‘get that thing out of my face’.

   If you were a hobbit, your name would be Douche Baggins.

   National no bra day wasn't as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.

   I'm in my 30's, but I still feel like I'm in my 20's until I hang out with people in their 20's and I'm like, "nope, I'm in my 30's"

   I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

   Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo

   My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.

   If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

   Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle............ * A Cramp Stamp

   Let's be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.

   My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don't know yet though she's still in bed

   If the NFL keeps this up, we've got a shot at playing again. - White Guys

   The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.

   I'd have sex with Martha Stewart just for the amazing breakfast she would make the next morning.

   I thought my wife said she was into butt sex...... Turns out she is into everything BUT sex.

   On February 14, 269 A.D., a Catholic priest in Rome was tortured, beaten with clubs, and finally beheaded. His name was Valentine. Just thought you'd want to know.

   If you think my status upd@tes are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.

   I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.

   Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.